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Twenty-Three

Last month I turned twenty-three! It means meeting with another year of life commitments. Things are changing, for once I can finally embrace life more gracefully compare to who I was before. I’ll be honest, sometimes l  do feel like my life is a mess with horrendous worries weighing on my shoulder too. Uninvited thoughts creep into my mind every day thinking about how to find balance in every decision I’ve made.

It took me a long time to really understand myself. I realize how my actions contradict my feelings even though I know exactly what I wanted, but I choose to do the opposite.

 

I also found out that any pressure from the outside can make me feel unworthy. Especially this year I’ve experienced it more than the previous year. I notice how good and bad I am to deal with every circumstance regarding the situations I’ve encountered. Though all of those moments encourage me to keep on heading forward into life. Escaping reality won’t help and never will. A lot of times I tried to hide behind the bushes, hoping to gain a sense of clarity but it does nothing than heavier pressures. I don’t feel ready to take the steps and face them properly. 

 

As I grow older, I try my best to keep in check with my life. When I talk with my friend, he told me during our elementary to the teenage year, life feels like in a slow-motion of time. But as we hit adulthood, time will flow faster then we can count. I will agree with that. I remember how I wish to grow up and have an earning that will support me. The ability to spend my own money and wishing life to go easy on me. How naive I was? The reality is, I need to think independently of how I want my life to be.

 

When I think back the moment I first hit my twenty, my life screams from the sudden roller coaster rides. For the longest time, I hide comfortably under my parent’s support. That’s why going out into the world of having 9-5 jobs feels like a nightmare. I can’t cope with the thoughts of sitting down in the office and meeting the eyes of expectations. When I landed on my first job, I had uncountable struggles. Every angle of my actions monitored and judged by someone. I can’t voice out any opinions and I need to behave according to their expectations. There are so many don’ts and don’ts. I remember constantly checking on my watch waiting for the time to go back home again. It was one of the toughest environments I have ever been to. The pressure of working was surreal! It was that moments made me feel stuck with life. Even though I had a decent income but not a decent happiness. I stayed for a year before handing the resignation letter and shift into another job. 

 

Since then, my life starts to get more interesting. I feel so thankful to God for offering my life to be better than I could’ve imagined. Of course, there are times when things get hard with unbearable tears to hold, I let life pass and wait for another moment of happiness to take place. Life is indeed hard. But for me personally think the hardship stays for a moment until we find a way to stack them with gratefulness and acceptance. Everyone has a choice to live their life and we are responsible for our own actions. I always think life is one of the most wonderful blessings that has given to each one of us. However, to live a life according to our desire requires a lot of sacrifices of effort, time and no promising happiness. But joy will always be waiting in at the finish line. 

 

A lot of times I love spending my time watching people while sitting down on a bench to have some relaxation for my mind. It’s interesting to see how each person shows their face to the world. Anxious, happy, rushing, angry, every emotion portrays them. It shows how every single person carries their burden on their back. It made me realize how unfair for me to think only my life is in a complete mess when our world is filled with emotions from different souls. We all struggle, but to get through it, we need to fill our days with self-respect and self-love.   

 

Anyway, this month I wanted to catch back on things that have drifted from my life. Even though I’ve been pretty much mumbling the same thing, but every day I try to add a little bitsy thing in my days to make my life better. Counting and reflecting every blessing rather than focusing on the bad sides of life. One thing I really need to improve on before passing another year is to defeat my weaknesses and turn them into my buddy rather than the blaming game that I’ve carried over the past year. 
This is what I’ve learned after reaching another year of my life.   
 
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sue

actually your whole story is same as mine. This year has been a very challenging year and more commitment. I don’t know why I cried and wanted to cry more while reading your story, it really tells my life now . Semoga kita semua dipermudahkan urusan dan dimurahkan rezeki seluas langit. Amin …