Happy New Year to whoever reading this! It’s finally here, the day we make new promises for the year ahead. As I write this, I’m outside of my grandfather’s garage wearing my comfy pajamas and enjoy the windy fresh air. My grandpa is showering the flowers and feed the dogs while the roosters join in the feast with the dogs. It’s so calm yet I’m having a hard time figuring out what I should write for my first blog post of the year. I have some drafts ready though nothing feels right for me. I’ve also read several blog posts to get my idea going, but still, it’s complicated.
That’s why I decided to write my current thoughts instead. Whenever I think about the new year, the first thing that comes to mind is I can’t wait to start another fresh year and left my previous year as a history. I can’t wait for a new journey to begin, the new plans and goals that unrelated to my old ones.
To reflect the last 12 months, I had plenty of difficulties between my life and work. I even struggled to find a balance between the two. Even though I wanted to keep fighting and believe in possibilities, those struggles gifted my tears with sadness more than joy. It was hard and I thought of giving up more than I can count. But now that I met with 2020, it wasn’t as bad after all. Those months taught me about my likes and dislikes, learn how to figure out my emotions and understand who I am as a person.
Anyway, here are my plans for this year.
- Spend more time with me. I never knew how much self-care is important until last year I able to calm my thoughts by doing things I love. Going to cafes, walk around the park, read and write, study Japanese or as simple as wearing my old pajamas laying on the bed without the rush to go out. Each moment was bliss and I can be myself. Having self-care is important after all. I know it’s not easy to have time for it sometimes, but I hope this year there will be plenty of moments where I can focus on myself and be mindful of my emotions while facing life challenges.
- Save, save, save money. It’s funny how my dad observes the way I spend my money. Last year he told me, “You are good with money-saving, but once you spend, it’s overflow.” My dad is not the type who would bother about it and usually, my mom will be the one to look after us. So that surprised me and my siblings can’t agree more with my dad. 2019 was indeed a year of learning, and I spend so much money buying the unnecessary and regret almost half of my buys. Where did my money go? That being said, I need to keep track of those pennies.
- Devote time to read & write. To be honest, for a long time I don’t think I would enjoy writing, not when I prefer to be a couch potato all the time, ignore the fact that I was actually wasting time trying to avoid being productive. Oh dear me, what a lame excuse. Luckily it didn’t take long until I felt sorry for myself and depressed about being a sloth and finally decided to make changes. Thanks to books, I started to appreciate my life and not to mention, my writing improves significantly.
- Stop worrying about life especially the future. I’m not gonna lie, this has been my stopwatch all the time. I worried about the present to the future, future, future. Obviously, who even being a fortune teller of their own? It’s not helping at all. I can’t even get any reward for being one. Who can predict the future anyway? Not me, and not the fortune teller. Even if you stumble upon a rock, there’s no way to guess how you will fall. But after going through a rough time last year, one thing I always forgot, God can always separate me from worries. More than pain, I had more experiences to be grateful for. Which also comes to the next point.
- Being grateful and pray for healing. I’m not anywhere close to being the holy person not after having a more rebellious fight with my emotions than seeking comfort. When previously, I even felt so devastated with the current state I was in. I complain, and more complain. I questioned God, trying to rush things for quick results and nowhere near being grateful. But how good our God is to forgive and forget my wrong and still shower blessing every day. I’m sure if God ignores me, I will forever in devastation. Remember, how worst your day is, as long as you are living, you can get through it. Believe that God hears and prayer heals. I’m really grateful to God for still letting me breathe and found healing from the bad days.
- To conquer my fears. Last year, I took a step and went for my first solo trip to the big city. It was one of my biggest achievement last year. But before and during my journey, I had many fears from the small and the big ones. To make the situations worse, there’s that continuous fear trying to hide in my head while whispering negativities about the worst possibilities that “might/will happen”. Not to take the risks, not to try something new and just never do anything I wished for. But as always, the worst never comes. I remembered my brother told me, there are many people scared of jumping, thinking about their parachute might not function properly. But if you don’t jump, why should you guess? That’s exactly me, isn’t it? I’m happy to conquer my fears and go for that journey alone. It taught me so much about myself and showed me what I’m capable of. As a beginner in dealing with fears, I hope to conquer them slowly one at a time.
- It’s okay to make mistakes. When I think about mistakes, the reason why I scared of making them was because of judgment. Plenty of times, I can’t shake away the thought of being judged, and even when I said I don’t bother, I do. Depends. In some situations, I don’t care yet there are those can tremble my knees with nervousness and that’s the one I wanted to get rid of. But before that, I need to embrace mistakes as part of life.
- You know you need to start right? Don’t wait for the right time. You know how easy it is to get distracted by laziness right? For a long time, I always had a reason for not starting, to skip the hard work and fall back to point no three(the couch potato) and repeat them again. Probably that was my number one routine last year. This time, I wanted to change them and start to incorporate more meaningful ones into my life.
- Be consistent. This has been one of my enemies too. Even I thought I said to be consistent, halfway through I gave up. Honestly being consistent is tough and it feels more pitiful when there seems no result at all. But we all know the only way to achieve success is through consistent and never give up. Change won’t come quick and there are so many things in life does requires a bit of time for change to happen.
Fast forward today, what I had was a fast-paced of time. It all went by so quickly and the previous worries can now rest in peace with the past. I’ve learned so much within a year’s length. I found myself searching for meaning over and over again yet, it’s already within me which is to be alive.
That’s the best gift God offers to everyone, the seed to experience life the way they want and still take care of themselves. You could be a reason for someone’s life, happiness, existence, or just everything. It’s beautiful how everything connected, isn’t it? That’s why I need to learn how to appreciate my being and be grateful for what life had and will offer. The good and bad, everything happened for a reason.
As always I love my grandfather’s house. It’s sad that I need to go back to the city this afternoon and prepare for work in two more days. I’m not ready to leave them so one thing to add, I wish to spend more time with my grandparents too.