In the month of May, I decided to start FRESH with my blog again. I have this blog since last year in the same month. I’m feeling guilty for setting it aside and totally neglecting it. I really miss blogging a lot especially when I encountered so many supportive people in this journey.
As you can see I totally have no content apart from this post. I had a few blog posts since last year, but I chose to hide it away because I felt, that was not ME. When I first started my journey in the blogging world, I was so caught up in the idea of making it big. Whenever I tried to write my blog post, it took me a long time deciding whether to publish it or not. I did a lot of work, and try to make it as pretty as I can. Did I post it? Some…yes but lots of them are piling up their way in the draft until I say I have the confidence to post it. (Clap to my FEARS for winning the top list.)
So here I am again with a new blog post talking about the OLD ME.
Authentic is better.
When I’m into something new, especially with place or platform that involve many people, I tend to get so hype trying to impress others. Same goes when I first created this blog. I wanted to get the approval of others, and when rejection happened it was very hard for me to accept it. Some people said I should do this or that so I can be a successful blogger. But in the end, I felt unmotivated and tired whenever I opened my laptop to start writing. Because I have no idea what is good to write and the emotions just slowly shifted into not feeling the needs to write anymore. Though after resting months from the blogging world, I ask myself “What is my main PURPOSE to start this blog? Why did I even decide to start all of this in the first place? Am I writing something that is true to myself or I was just caught up by the crowd? And the answers for all of that are I just want to be myself and enjoy my blog’s journey fully. Write down my hobbies, thoughts, and opinions. I also think it will be wonderful if I can encounter those who go on the same journey as I am.
Write IT or NOT?
I know we all wanted to be like those SUCCESSFUL bloggers. Yet if you do not enjoy and get tired of it probably there’s something you are missing out and need to reflect back what’s going on. People have their views on everything and it may not be the same as yours. So live your life according to what you truly believe in. This actually troubles me in so many ways, I wanted to post something and I have so many words to say, but somehow I can’t write them down because I’m too scared it won’t be useful to others. I can write for hours but it feels not good enough and end up deleting everything. To think back, I was thinking so much about others but actually, the practice is what makes it valuable. There is no right or wrong way to do it. As long as you do it with your own will and feeling happy afterward, I’m sure it feels way better rather than writing a long paragraph but totally missing out the real meaning behind it.
“You don’t start out writing good stuff. You start out writing crap and thinking it’s good stuff, and then gradually you get better at it. That’s why I say one of the most valuable traits is persistence.” ― Octavia E. Butler
I feel pressured, how about Take it Easy?
When someone said to write at least 2000 words to begin, don’t stress over it. Previously I force myself to keep on writing just to reach that much of words in one single draft. I’ve tried to add words that are unnecessary and losing the meaning behind my words. But my deepest self knew about my own capability of doing. To write 2000 words at the beginning is not an easy task for me as a person whose English is not my first language. Because it’s not all about the quantity that makes it important. So starting from now, I decided to learn as I write and giving permission to myself to take it slow and easy so one day I will be better. And, even though I didn’t write so many words to convey my thoughts, it’s totally fine.
But once in a while, my ideas let me write more than I expect it will and the most wonderful feeling when comes to writing is when I write without feeling bother how it might turn out.
What? Picture perfect? I don’t need that…YET
Here’s one thing about blogging, we can easily get intimidated by other bloggers out there. A lot of them have so many beautiful pictures and amazing theme aligns prettily with every single thing in their blog. And there I go again ‘I don’t have this and that. They have all the great equipment ready.’ Did you sense it? COMPARISON. Some said you need to put beautiful pictures to will attract people. I will say they are probably correct. Because I myself will easily get attracted by those beautiful pictures without any doubt. But if this small matter won’t let you start, you will never start. Even if I take my own photo and it looks blurry just like a kid holding a camera for the first time, don’t worry because this is it! You are learning something new for yourself. In the long run, you will get the picture perfect that you wanted. Because life is all about the never-ending learning.
I wonder if this is also a problem?
Another thing got me wondering for a long time is when they said, find your niche and stick to it. But for me as a beginner in the blogging world, I’ve tried that and it was too overwhelming to find my own niche. This is one of the struggles that I was facing before because I feel there’s just so many things I wanted to share. But I personally don’t think you need to find it quickly because the more you write the more you’ll find what you actually love to write. Because again there is no limitation and right or wrong in this space of yours. This is your blog, you have the permission to change, find what is suitable for you and write as freely as you want. My blog is a place for me to feel good when I write about something. I want to take this small space of mine to share my life growth, things that help me and might help others, slowly learning about life and achieving my goals without rushing. I want to enjoy every process and never do something that will end up forcing and regretting myself after.
OHMYGOD I’m so EMBARRASS, I’m SCARE!
As you can see from my blog, I use my name as the domain name. It may sound funny but I regretted it and a loooot. Do you know what scares me the most? ‘What if someone I knew found out about my blog and laugh about it?’ I keep asking myself why did I even choose it when others can easily search my name and my blog will pop up. Won’t that be too embarrassing? This thought keeps repeating on my mind. I have a few moments where I literally feel like changing it. But now I’m glad that it is my name because I as a person can have her own platform to say whatever she wants. And I don’t want to hide from people, I need to step on my self-doubt (to be exact it’s actually my FEARS) and be the queen to my confident self.
So now I’m declaring war with my inner fear and conquer them with courage!
“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” ― Sylvia Plath
GO FOR IT!
To sum all of that, I was too scared of judgments to a point, I’m not doing anything to my blog until now. How I wasted so long time to start all over again and I even aged one year since. Regret much? Yes, I am. WHY and WHY? I do ask this question a lot to myself. Another advice I can give to myself now is It’s okay to start all over again. I need to realize the beauty of starting over without the unnecessary fear that has been bugging me all this time since the beginning. But if I keep regretting about my old action, I won’t be able to wake up from the past and accepting the fact that now is the right time to start again even with a simple beginning. Find some times to get to where your main purpose for the blog. You need to please yourself first to be happy. Don’t allow the judgment of others to get your knees shaking. Instead, carry their words as a weapon to sharpen your view about how wonderful life can be by finding your space in this miraculous world. Because there are those who will fully support you.
Honestly, I do feel intimidated by other bloggers too, but the learning process made me realize actually I’m the reason why everything didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to be. Because every decision was made by me. No one starts their beginning journey as easy as eating cookies. Even the process of making the cookies itself sometimes take hours. Though if you ask me what I know about blogging, I will be way off the radar from knowing a lot. But I know I will learn slowly as I go along with my blog. I always invest a lot of time in my blog and I salute to those who really invest their time in blogging more than me.
I’m finally feeling FRESH!
I feel proud to myself. (I’m patting my back to give some encouragement to myself.) Never thought I can get so much inspiration to write a lot. I really appreciate to anyone who reads it till this endpoint.
I know how life can be overwhelming, but it’s never too late to start all over again. Life is just too wonderful for you to back away from it. You can do it!